Posted by: Natalie Hatch | June 22, 2009

Things I Would Do If I Ever Became a Werewolf/Lycanthrope

One of my favourite teen movies growing up was “Teen Wolf” starring Michael J Fox.  I always wondered what I would do if I was bitten. In the spirit of Peter Anspach’s ‘Evil Overlord’ list – which is, by the way, awesome; I thought I’d do up one of my own. What I would do if I were a werewolf/lycanthrope. Feel free to share any important points you think I’ve left out.

  1. I’d never have to shave my legs again, I’d save a fortune on razors because it’s cool to be hairy.
  2. I’d find out the secret to why werewolves never have flea infestations and make millions. Then use said fortune to run an ad campaign for Lycanthrope Equality in the Workplace.
  3. My manicurist would have to work double time, especially on the pedicures.
  4. Skulking around deserted moors looking for lunch is boring, wet and damaging to my skin. The people are in the cities, I’d go there, hang out in comfort and order in.
  5. Vampires will be blacklisted from any and all paranormal fraternity meetings until they learn to use breath mints and stop sparkling all the time.
  6. I’d enter as many marathons as I want, then half way to the finish line I’d pick off any of the snooty runners who had made rude remarks as they passed me at the start.
  7. I’d invent shorts that hugged my figure and didn’t violently rip apart when I transformed, that way I’d retain dignity in the face of other paranormal creatures (even vampires keep their clothes on when they turn into bats, so why can’t I?).
  8. Before stalking any frightened, young, defenseless woman in a deserted, darkened alley I will ask myself what is wrong with that picture and go hang out at the skate park instead.
  9. I will never, ever agree to wear a necklace/chain that could be used by some dastardly vampire for domestication, not even if he’s cute.
  10. Lurking in sewers is also out, there’s just some smells a werewolf should not have to put up with. Why can’t we use public transport to get around instead?
  11. With my newfound heightened sense of smell I’d easily get a job in customs or the perfume industry, just in case the flea remedy thing doesn’t work out.
  12. Giving a teenage boy a lift to school on my motorbike will only happen if I get to munch on a few of his friends, hey there’s no such thing as a free ride.
  13. Hairy palms will be a thing of the past with the correct usage of wax or Nair, that way not even a hormone riddled teenage girl will guess my secret.
  14. Before embarking on creating my own wolf pack I will screen potential applicants for sociopathic tendencies and will definitely stay away from menopausal women with an axe to grind.
  15. If I have to move in with my sister and her annoying tenacious brat I will ensure that the family pet gets it within the first day, that way said tenacious brat won’t get sneaking suspicions before I earn enough money to move to that Condo I’ve got my eye on.
  16. Motorcycles are good for some, but I think I’d prefer a Mercedes S-class with optional extras, why is it only vampires get to have good cars?
  17. I will not hang out in cemeteries when the full moon comes out from behind the clouds. Cemeteries are for the dead, give me a rave party with lots of spaced out humans that I can hide in.
  18. Hiding in a secluded trading post with neurotic settlers probably isn’t the best idea, especially when their chickens start disappearing. Note to self: Find a town with a KFC fast.
  19. Foggy woods are only a werewolf’s friend if they’re not inhabited by big game hunters out to bag themselves a trophy. Never, ever trust back lighting in fog, it’ll give you away every time.
  20. Hanging out with Frankenstein might seem like a cool idea, but when he invites the Mummy as well you know you’ll just spend an entire evening listening to stories of how it was easier in the old days. Best to say no before the good old days start.
  21. If I have to teach a bunch of teenage wizards in training the dark arts then I will ensure that I bite the red headed annoying one at least once during my tenure. Fair’s fair.
  22. If I see a young girl wearing a red coat skipping through the forest I will hire a mercenary crew to take her and the huntsman that’s lurking nearby out, before I take over Grannys cottage and make it my base of operations.
  23. If a rogue priest puts a spell on me to turn into a wolf only at night and my true love turns into a hawk during the day then I’d forget all about hiring a thief to help me defeat him. I’d go straight to a voodoo priestess to put the kybosh on the bludger.
  24. If a vampire offers me a job as his security manager I’ll tell him to go jump, there’s no way I’m taking a silver bullet for that foul breathed fiend.
  25. Getting gung ho into scientific research and investing in bullets that encase super-photoelectric magnesium charges will help my cause a lot, but I’ll also invest in state of the art security systems that don’t come from a vampire tech company. That way my inventions stay mine.
  26. Upgrading my wardrobe from tattered old St Vinnies coats to sleek black leather would be a plus, but I think I’ll stick to Country Road, Colorado and the like. No one would suspect a yuppie wearing moleskin.
  27. If a burly Australian vampire hunter turns up outside my lair wearing leather and sporting a cross bow, I will restrain my hormones and not drool overly much. I will then give him intimate directions to breaking into the vampires pad up the road and remind him to stop by on his way out.
  28. If I am mistakenly thrown into a drug rehab to ‘straighten out’ and don’t have access to wolfsbane to keep me in control I think I’ll just go with the flow and let the bloodbath begin.
  29. When I am about to attack a hunter I will resist all inclinations to chase after the ball he throws to distract me whilst trying to get away. I will also not give in to doggy chews, cats or Frisbees. When hunting I will maintain my werewolf dignity.
  30. If I corner a group of British army troops in a remote Scottish Highland, I’ll first gain access to their radio equipment and pipe in Plastic Bertrand music at high volume, that way they’ll give themselves up freely and I won’t have to waste time stalking in the dreary peat bogs that surround the barn they’ve hold up in.


  1. Wow, what an awesome list. I think I only got about half of these references…

  2. Maybe I should have a contest to see who can get all the references I’ve thrown in? LOL
    I’m just waiting for everyone else to come up with witty references of their own. Let’s see if we can get this list to 100.

  3. Ah Nats

    That is just brilliant… this must have taken you ages to come up with – well done you!

    Loved the Lady Hawk reference – on of my personal all time favourite movies.

    Thanks for the smile today!

    Bye 4 now

  4. That’s quite a list Natalie. 22 is probably my fave, followed by 27 – LOL!

  5. Yes I think Eleni there are a few that would choose no.27.
    Feel free to add your own highlights for what you’d do if you were turned.

  6. You’d end up as the butt of all the “it’s that time of the month” jokes from all of the “cool” monsters …

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